IMFIT

Ok, so I am not, but they are. lol. That's the gym I have started training at. I am not just working out, I am training. :] It is a personal training gym. I never ever ever thought I would hire a personal trainer, but I decided that it might be wise. I have been trying to get into shape for four years, and have gotten nowhere. I started training with Ben Flint on April 19th I think. or maybe it was April 12th. I'll have to ask with him and check. But it's been over a month nevertheless.
I wasn't planning on hiring a trainer. It just sort of happened. I just can't say No. I don't know how. It's practically impossible for me to. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's true. It's almost everyone's first word, but as an adult I don't know how to use it. Which could be and has been very very bad...
But, I was determined to get in shape and start working out. I was going to change my ways and do things the right way finally. I went in to check out Max Muscle and look at it as a possible job in the future after some schooling. But of course, I ended up buying instead. And then he talked me into checking out IMFiT and talking with Ben. I drove over out of obligation and curiosity, and ended up signing up. Lol. Oops. That's especially bad when you're trying to work on a budget and get out of debt. But I'm pretty happy most of the time that it happened this way. I love my gym. I love my trainer. I love the people that work there and work out there. I love that I have to be committed. I love that they bust my arse. I love that I am exercising. I love that I am changing.
I hate that I am spending so much money. I hate that I have no time. I hate that I don't get to work out with my husband. I hate that I don't look as good as the people I work out with. I hate that I don't have the determination I used to. I hate that I am not where I want to be and I especially hate that I am not who I want to be. But I am changing. I am working on my body and also on myself at the same time.
Overcoming oneself and one's weaknesses is, in my opinion, the hardest task we can accomplish in this life. I am my greatest defeat. I am my toughest opponent. I am my most impossible obstacle. I am Possible. Impossible is nothing because nothing is impossible. I'mPossible.
I started off strong, but I've gotten kind of weak on the nutrition side. Last week Ben sat me down just to talk. Our entire session plus another half was just chatting.
I started off by declaring that I was working out in attempt to prepare myself for a Figure Competition this coming Fall. Ben asked me if that was the only reason why I was doing this. He also asked me what was my reasoning behind the competition. People had asked me this question and I was not prepared to answer it. I had come up with something that I thought sounded good and was sufficient enough. I explained the trail I had followed and the people I had talked to that had gotten me interested in Figure Competing. I thought it was my answer. But during my workout after talking to Ben I realized it wasn't. Here's my answer:
I am doing this because I want the challenge. I want the results. I want the change. I want to be the person I know I can be. I want to be the person I know I am.
I have been skinny and I have been plump, but I have never been happy. I have never been good enough for myself. I have never loved myself. But I have also never done things the right way. This time I am going to. This time I am doing it for me and for no one else. I want to be my own kind of Beautiful. I am not going to cut out pictures of pretty girls in magazines as my template. I am going to be my own masterpiece. I am going to look at myself and decide what I want to see. I have a sporty build, and I know that I will never be naturally thin. Even when I was 80 lbs I still had to wear bigger dresses than some of my friends that had twenty pounds on me. Not because I was bigger, but because my frame is. My ribcage is larger than theirs, and so is my skull. I never realized that before, but now I do. When they buy hats and helmets they buy smalls. I can only wear Large. I cannot be what I see in the magazines. I can only be me. Which is better than anything they can sell to me.
I am doing this because I want to conquer myself. I want to overcome every obstacle I have placed in front of myself. I want to knock down every wall I have put up. I want to cross every line that has been drawn around. I don't want skeletons in a closet, but rather mummies in a museum. I will not be ashamed of who I am or who I have been. I am me. And that is as perfect as it gets. I was made in the image of my Heavenly Father, and I will keep it as beautiful and healthy as I believe it to be. Every day I will share and celebrate the beautiful person I am inside by the person I am outside. I am going to love myself and believe in myself as much as my Father in Heaven does. I will not doubt him by not doubting myself. I will never again wish I was someone else or like anyone else. Instead, I will become. I will be. I am. Thankful for that which I have been given.

Perfection begins within.

If I can overcome the person that I am then I can overcome any situation, anyone, and anything. But I can only be as perfect as I strive to be. Which is why I will push myself harder than I ever have. I am going to work on myself as a whole. No other influences besides myself. Ben has suggested that I remove the competition as my goal and my mile-marker for this exact reason. I need to find my reason in order to discover my motivation. I will be my determination, my commitment, my goal. The only person I need to compare myself against is myself. I cannot be better than anyone else, but I can be better than I am.

Another question he asked was "What do you expect to get from this?" I had no idea how I should answer this question. I thought the correct answer was something along the lines of losing weight or getting fit, but I was wrong. This is what I want to get from this experience:
- self-confidence. I want to know that I am responsible for achieving my goals. I want to know that I can control my future and my outcome.
- respect. I want people to recognize my ambition, commitment, and self-respect. If I respect myself with the highest self-regard then so must everyone else.
- self-reliance. I want to be able to rely on myself. Nobody else. I don't want to feel weak or vulnerable.. ever again. I don't want people to think that they can use me, abuse me, or ruin me. I want to know that I can get myself out. I want to say No.

ok. so I just found this on my blog saved as a draft. Once again, I never finished it. This was from a year ago in the spring. Can't remember the day though. So, it's not going to be posted correctly, but here it is anyway.  :]  6/27/12