74 days to go!

K, this is going to be a very emotional post....

I keep flip-flopping on whether or not I actually want to do this.

I'll eat a clean breakfast, lunch, and dinner. But by 9:30pm I have talked myself out of it and I eat Skittles and Reeses with my hubby in front of the tv.

Or I'll do good for 3 days and then family wants to go out to eat and everything is blown.

Or I'll eat a clean breakfast and then my cravings hit and I chow down on candy.

What am I doing??!!!

This is the most frustrating thing in the world!

I did really good for 3 whole days. But then I started thinking about it and realized how EXPENSIVE this whole thing is, and how selfish I am being for using up money I should be saving. And I gave up.

Oh and not to mention, I ran into a girl that just competed in Nationals down in Vegas at the gym last week. She looked amazing! And of course, I thought to myself - YOU will NEVER look that good. Bad Me! She had just competed three days prior and so we got to talking. She made it sound impossible. Plus, she had a boob job three years ago. Just like all of the other girls that compete. And if you know me then you know that my boobs are long gone. A few months ago when I told my husband that I wanted to compete he even said to me "You can't compete until you fix your boobs." And that is coming from my husband. The one person that is supposed to support you through anything and everything. And he has seen me naked. So if he thinks I can't do it then maybe I shouldn't. ?????

But I want to so bad!!! I think I have gone a little bipolar on this topic.

But here is the estimated breakdown of costs for competing:

Nutrition Plan - $200

Exercise Plan - $200

Gym Membership - $30

Posing Sessions - $200

Bikini - $300-$600

Heels - $50-$100

Jewelry - $50

Hair - $50

Makeup - $50

Tan - $100

Spray Tan - $100

Wax - $50

Bikini Bite/Body Gloss - $50

Teeth Whitening - $50

Show Registration - $90

NPC card - $100

Supplements - $400

Groceries per month for just you - $200

Have you added that up yet? It's roughly $2,500.00! I don't have that kind of money! So, I tried to figure out what I could possibly do on my own - nutrition, exercise, hair (I still have to color and cut to make it look good (I usually go 6+months)), makeup (although I still have to buy different colors to match the tan, which means $$$), and tan (I can lay outside ( naked???)). It'll still be over $1,500! Ugh.

Not to mention, the aftermath of competing. Do you know what it does to your body??!! EeeeKkkk! Ummm... let's see: metabolic damage, extreme weight gain, body bloat, upset stomach, and binge-eating. I'm sorry, but I've been down that road before, and I don't want to do it again. I don't know if I can handle it. You will have the same consequences as an anorexic or bulemic. Not fun.

And my mother in-law informed me of how much she disapproves. Skimpy suits. No. Are you willing to sacrifice your morals? I am against pornography. But that's not why I am doing it. I don't want to do it for the attention. Or the pictures. Or the sex-appeal. I am doing it because I want to. I want to get in such amazing shape that I am so proud and confident that I can stand on a stage in front of hundreds of people and not be ashamed or embarrassed of my body. It's a big deal for me. And I want to do it so when I become a personal trainer I'll have experience and something to offer. If I want to help my clients do it then I better be able to do it. I can't expect anyone else to stick to something that I can't even stick to. Plus, it'll get my name in the fitness industry if that's where I want to go. Which it is. And it'll be a HUGE thing that I can add to my portfolio.

So, do I just go for it and spend the money and accomplish one of my biggest goals? Or do I save the money for getting us out of this crappy rental? and maybe start saving to try again next year? or set aside a special booby savings account to try when I am done having kids?

I don't know.

I am heart-broken and frustrated.....